Have you ever wondered about the way things change? I like for things to stay as they are. It’s comfortable. It makes me feel safe and warm and content. I like my house… I think I’ve always been a home body at heart. I do get the urge to get out and see people, after being in my house all day, every day, for a few days at a time. But I always get the happy, fuzzy feeling when I know it’s a “housework day” and I get to stay home all day long. And yes, I have done a lot of hard things in my life that involve change. I’ve survived and have even bettered myself because of the things I’ve had to leave my comfort zone to do. But still. I’d still rather stay in that comfort zone.
Lately I’ve been struggling with a part of my life that has changed. I have a friend who at one time I thought I would be close to forever, but we grew distant. And for a while, I was OK… I thought it was just a dry spell and that we’d pick up where we left off sooner or later. I was wrong. It had been a while since I’d talked to this friend when I decided to give them a call, and the conversation was extremely awkward. I found myself not knowing what to say and felt like my friend was struggling too. I hated it. For the past year or so, I have thought about my friend throughout the day, every day, and can’t seem to get over the idea that we will probably never be close again. I have thought long and hard about conversations that we’ve had, and wondered if I said something to make my friend feel distant from me, which then makes me wonder why they wouldn’t confront me about the so-called thing that I’d said. I feel that too much time has gone by now and that the window of opportunity for us to reconnect has long since passed. My friend is married now, which is an amazing thing, but just makes me feel like it’s one more thing keeping us from reuniting. I know my friend has other friends who they are closer to, and that hurts. I try not to feel jealous… just envious that our relationship didn’t get to that level.
Sometimes I wonder what it was I was supposed to learn from having this short friendship. What were they supposed to help me learn? How am I supposed to grow without the good feelings I had while friends with this person? And how could I possibly feel so close to my friend while they didn’t reciprocate the feeling? I just don’t get it. I have been invited to family functions, graduations and wedding receptions of their siblings. I invited my friend and their parents to my own wedding and reception, high school graduation, baby showers, lunch dates, and more. And it’s not that I expect “things” in return- I don’t. I just thought that there was more to the relationship. I don’t know how to get over this. And I miss my friend.